Playing video games with my bro
More artwork by Mary GrandPre, artist of the American Harry Potter covers.
Not too long ago a friend asked me how I got through the year where I was a secret. Where I had to share the person I loved. Of course at the time I thought I had gotten him “back” and that we were happy. Anyway, I told my friend that I just went through the motions every day. I felt my pain, every ounce of it, I cried when I needed to, I held myself in the fetal position, I felt like dying. That was nothing.
I like to say I’ve been with this guy that I love for over three years. In reality if I consider the one year where I was the “other woman” and take that out it was only two and a half years. Anyway, we were doing fine or so I thought. He and I were inseparable, always laughing, always happy, well mostly. The good outweighed the bad. He wanted to marry me, I didn’t want to talk about it. We’d been through too much, I just wanted to have time to be together in the moment before big decisions were made.
He left for basic training, all the while sending me letters, talking about our future and kids, telling me he wanted to volunteer for Korea. He wanted me to go. It’s called an Accompanied Tour. Meaning you take your spouse with you. Meaning we’d have to get married. I said that we’d discuss it when he came home. I always had this feeling it would be over before he came back.
My instincts are ALWAYS right. I know him better than he knows himself. Even now.
A week before his BMT graduation I found out some interesting news. He was sending letters to the ex-girlfriend he left me for previously. Three to be exact. And he was planning to leave me. I found this out and stewed for a couple of days. Then I decided, change my number, don’t go to the graduation, never see him again.
This time when I was the one who walked away I felt empowered, strong and capable. I’m an independent woman; I take care of myself, I pay my own bills, I have my own place, I work full time. I have every reason to be proud of myself. I am a firm believer that you don’t need anyone else to survive. Anyway, this empowerment gave me what is easiest to describe as a kind of adrenaline rush. A kind of high that kept my heart in this shell, inside this shell my heart is currently imploding, burning, breaking, broken. My heart has been shattered. I know it has, but it’s in this shell separate from the rest of my body closed up so tightly that I can’t feel it. Except in small doses. Doses that incapacitate me to the point where I can’t speak, or think or even breathe. The pain is so immense, so terrible, I have built this shell to protect myself.
I was going fine until last week. After 19 days, I expected it to be a cake walk. That’s our number, you see. I had this idea this hope, that he’d come looking on that day 19, May 28th. I wanted it, but I didn’t want it. I’m mostly happy that he never did, but I’m also sad.
I guess that even though I’m only 23 and I don’t want to be married or have children, I wanted everything with him. I had never given so much of myself to a person. I had never changed so much, or tried so hard, or loved so deeply. I had started to look forward to the future he built for us. The picture he had painted in my head that I pretended not to consider.
I don’t want to want him anymore. I could never trust him again. I want him to leave and not come back. I want him to try. To move mountains and part seas and keep promises to have me. I don’t want him to try.
He came looking for me the day he graduated and said he didn’t know what he wanted. I had always known I wanted him. Now I’ve lost my way, now I don’t know what I want. What I do know is that I deserve a whole person, a whole heart. He is not whole. Until he learns who he is he never will be able to offer a woman what she deserves. I hope he finds himself.
I hope I rediscover me.
One thing our tumultuous relationship taught me is that love does exist. It is a beautiful and painful thing. I had given up on trying to find love, and I believe that God sent him to me to remind me it’s still out there.
Until I find the real one for me I will feel my pain, I will feel like dying, I will fall to the floor when it becomes a physical ache. Then I will get back up again. I will smile. I will survive. And I will love again.
“I can’t live without you. If you die I die. I pick you. I choose you.”
That’s what I felt.
My sister’s a walking advertisement. (: well, a sitting one.
You know you want to. Excellent job, babe. #reallyhadmegoing #excellentperformance#butitsovernow #movingon #next
It has been a long ass day! But I got a call from my airman and a letter! Woo!! #runningonsunshine #bmt #phonecalls #iloveyou #letters #keepemcoming ❤❤
Happy Birthday ❤
I miss you, my love! I hope your day is a light duty day. I love you.
This was me every day this week.